Friends and Their Children

 
The one thing we have both found overly difficult to deal with was something that took us by shock and was totally unexpected.  You see, without fail all of our friends, both close and distant, have the one thing we were desperate for; children.
 
As I said, we really didn’t expect to have to deal with our feelings in such a way as our friends had been there for a really long time and had supported us through so many other difficult periods, as we had them.  It’s simply what you do; friends are friends.  Now, and this is the really scary thing, we found ourselves beginning to resent the fact that they had children but we didn’t.  What made things worse was the fact that the feelings also began to spread to members of our own families.  However, I also know that, if they eventually read this book they will know and understand that it was far from a personal issue.  They are amongst the most important people in our lives.
 
I don’t think there was an obvious start point to these feelings; they just crept up on us.  Indeed, I used to organise an annual BBQ in the summer to which all our friends, their children and even their pets were invited.  It seemed the natural thing to do as we had a large garden, I loved cooking and our friends enjoyed the opportunity to get together for the gossip and the general good crack.  I think at one event, there would have been a dozen kids running around, causing havoc but having a great time nonetheless.  The house was full with our friends and their friends with everyone’s kids and pets; it was great and the way we liked it.
 
Last summer I couldn’t do it.  How could I?
 
And this frightened me.  I realised I was beginning to resent the very people I loved the most because of their ability to have children; some of which were my Godchildren.  How crazy was that?
 
There were times when Beth was invited to spend the day with a friend and her children, where the plan was to enjoy a coffee and a natter with other mothers and, in turn, their children.  This was, in the purest terms, a living nightmare for Beth, as the last thing she wanted to do was sit in a room full of women talking about their children whilst the little darlings crawled or zoomed from room to room, often via Aunty Beth.
 
How did she cope?  By making her excuses and being busy elsewhere, that’s how.  Of course she felt sorry for lying and regretted it for weeks after.  It was, however, the only way she could think of avoiding such an invite because, at the time, it was the last thing in the world she wanted or needed.
 
I had the same difficulty when I started a new job in Andover.  The office was mainly made up of women and the men were few and very far between.  And, as is the norm, some of the women would bring their newly born bundles of energy into the office to show off to all, as was their right.  However, when the obligatory remarks were called for, I couldn’t bring myself to offer them.  I am sure this seemed overly harsh to the mothers who were holding their most prized possession in front of me for inspection but that’s the way it was.  It was only some time later, when I told them about our situation that they realised I wasn’t the nasty grumpy old bloke they thought I once was.
 
But, here’s the thing; it’s not their fault for having children.  You and I both know it’s the most natural thing in the world and couples like us are in a small percentage that needs a little extra help along the way to make things happen.  I know that may not ease the frustration you feel right now but it should go some way in helping you to keep things in perspective.  Believe me; I know what it feels like to walk along a street and spot children I would love to scoop up in my arms, giving them all the love they so obviously need.  I remember once when driving I spotted a little blonde lad with hair down to his shoulders and thinking how my son would look like that one day.  
 
I eventually had to stop the car as I was an emotional wreck because I knew there was no guarantee I would have a son, ever!  Then, and this came as a complete shock, there have been times when I have broken down, realising that I may never become a Grandad.  These are thoughts you will need to deal with now in order to move forward with your journey.  Don’t try to block them out as they will wait until you aren’t looking, creep up to slap you in the face and that hurts; trust me.
 
-
 
Unfortunately, I have sat and listened to my closest friend shout at his children and talk about how he wouldn’t miss his child if he was run over tomorrow.  This, above all else, has annoyed me to the point of nearly telling my friend a few home truths about just how lucky he was to have a child in the first place.  I mean, would he really want his child to be killed?  Really? What sort of a father says that to his child’s face and doesn’t expect it to remain with him for a lifetime?  Wake up you crazy bloody idiot!
 
Is it right however, to be so judgemental when Beth and I haven’t experienced the frustration of parenthood?  We have no idea about the daily workings of a family and for that I suppose we should, in some twisted way, be thankful.  We don’t know what it is like to raise a child, let alone a family.  Indeed, we both recognise that we can be perfect parents because we don’t have children and therefore know nothing of compromise and dealing with a screaming toddler, demanding sweets or some trivial toy that will be forgotten within the hour.
 
For these, and a great many more reasons we have the deepest respect for our friends and all they have achieved.  There is little doubt they have made sacrifices and will continue to do so for a considerable period of time as their children grow up.  But, we both know that no matter what they say or do, it is difficult for the pair of us to relate our true feelings to them as they simply haven’t experienced what we are going through.  And that’s why couples like us can feel quite isolated.  There are few people within our natural circle of friends we can turn to for support, although we discovered much later that they yearned to help in any way they could.  We know now that they were waiting to be let in, especially during the period following the failed procedure when Beth and I would close down, ceasing all contact in an attempt to gain strength from each other.
 
That’s not to say however, that we were left with no-one to talk to as we befriended many couples who were going through IVF alongside us.  I for one had never recognised the need for support groups but I was amazed at how strong and helpful they turned out to be.  We did meet one couple who were in a similar position to ourselves and we clicked straight away.  Both ladies instantly became friends and, in a way, drew strength from each other with long telephone conversations and coffee mornings when possible.  In the same vein, we husbands were able to do the ‘bloke thing’ and discuss various experiences whilst travelling the path of expressing DNA!
 
Over time we found that it was so helpful having the opportunity to discuss IVF with others in the same boat.  You find that there is little need to explain the obvious procedures as others already know.  There is no need to hide detail in order to maintain privacy as, again, people have travelled the same route.  And, perhaps most importantly, there is no need to mask true feelings as they are shared amongst couples who are in the small percentage needing IVF. If you get the chance I would strongly advise that you seek out other couples in the same position as you and talk to them.  Become their friends; it’s a very powerful tool.
 
Finally, what I will say about your friends and their children is this.  They have been your friends for a long time and will continue to be so for even longer.  Whilst they may not fully understand what you are going through, they will know it is a difficult time for both you and your partner.  Don’t shut them out as they are still and always will be, your friends.