Drugs & Support

 
Let’s be clear about one thing.  As you and your wife progress along the path of IVF you will need to prepare yourselves for the one essential item required to make it all happen: drugs, and plenty of them!  Whilst we knew drugs would be playing a big part in the process, it really was an eye opener, to me at least, to see just how much Beth was expected to inject and digest as the days and months ticked by.
 
I think the worst thing, as the partner, was the fact that I was unable to take part in this process.  Indeed, it was a very private thing between Beth and the drugs.  I know that may sound rather alien to those who have no love for all things sharp, or small round powdery objects, and you’d be right.  I am sure if the roles were reversed and it was me who had to stick myself with sharp objects then I’d be screaming like a worn brake pad, believe me.
 
Another factor that may come as a surprise is the cost.  Whilst we knew it wasn’t going to be cheap, when you get the call from the drug company to let you know they have your order and, by the way, how would you like to pay, you certainly sit up with a start!  I think the amount we spent on drugs for our first attempt was in the region of £1000.  Whilst not a fantastically obscene amount of money, it is a lot by any standard.  It was, however, worth every penny, despite the final result.
 
 
 
 
 
Side effects?
 
Oh yes, believe me when I say that side effects are all the vogue when you play with drugs at this level and magnitude.  We were both warned by the doctors that things would be different for a while and, indeed, they were.  I was specifically warned by the doctor about Beth experiencing the first stages of the menopause.  That is to say, hot flushes, sleepless nights, confusion, and short fuses to mention just a few.  I knew that when Beth got a flush she was capable of lighting up an entire room and those within it.
 
It would though, be unfair for me to pretend that we had a hard time with the side effects.  Beth was only lightly hit and for that I can only thank my lucky stars!  However, I have had a brief glimpse of the future and believe me when the menopause eventually comes calling, boy is it going to be fun!
 
There were two factors that caused Beth great concern; weight gain and knowing the drugs were affecting her in so many ways and being unable to do anything about it.  I also think that her knowing that I knew that she knew that I knew didn’t help either!  All I can advise at this stage is to ride it as you find it.  When your partner is down, be there for her and when she bites your head off, don’t respond in kind.  However, when she complains about gaining weight, you’ll need to call that one yourself my friend; only you will know the right answer!  
 
At this stage, the most important piece of advice I can give you is this; learn to laugh about the whole thing.  We found this to be the best medicine available at a time when stress levels are often very high.  But, and this is paramount, always laugh with her and never, ever at her.  That would be very silly indeed.  You also need to understand that it really isn’t her fault and, at the end of the day, she has injected and digested some serious dosages into her body for both of you.  When you need to, hold her hand.  When you need to step back and allow her the space she will undoubtedly need, make sure you move first.  And, when she is ready, when she needs that cuddle or reassurance, be there for her.  That’s all you can do, that’s your job, you’re her support at this time.
 
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Elsewhere in this book I talk about feeling like a supporter to Beth as she has travelled along the path towards IVF and I have grown to realise that this is just one of many roles I have taken on since this whole thing kicked in.  I also guess it took a while to come to terms with the way the NHS wallers made me feel; almost like a second class citizen.
 
It’s a difficult one really as, when I took my vows all those years ago, I promised to treat Beth as an equal, a partner in all that we did.  There hasn’t been a day that has gone by since our wedding that we haven’t discussed various issues, making decisions, both trivial and important.  We have debated, argued for points we believe in and, more importantly, stood firm together in the face of difficulty.
 
And, therefore, I suppose that is why I have had to accept the role in which I now find myself; Beth’s support team.  Alongside me I find a team of supporters anyone would be proud to have on their side.  Beth’s parents, for example, are two people who deserve our thanks tenfold.  Simply put, they have been there when we both needed them.  They literally carried her to the car on the day after she had her first crop of eggs harvested and she needed to go back to the hospital, sharp like.  When she needed to talk to her mum, Carole was always ready to listen, offering words of comfort and support.  Likewise, Ben has been there to carry me through the most difficult of times.  His quiet resolve and bearing are two qualities that sit well on his shoulders.  At other times they were there just because it helped us to carry on when times got really dark.
 
Beth and I often joked about the whole process of IVF.  Why? Because that’s the easiest thing to do as it’s such an emotionally charged time.  If we had treated it as a major life changing event, of which it certainly is, it would have allowed other, stronger, emotions to surface.  I have called her ‘The Vessel’ from day one as; realistically that has been her role throughout.  Everything that has occurred, everything she has done to her body, and everything she has gone through has been for one reason.  Therefore, her body has becomes the vessel for our one chance of what we have dreamed of for so long.  And, you can bet your last pound that I wrapped her in enough cotton wool to soak up Lake Windermere!
 
Did she appreciate this?  Did she accept being told to sit down and read a book, or magazine?  Like hell she did!  That’s where I came in as the support team.  It really was a case of making sure the vessel was catered for at every turn along the road.  If she looked like she needed a drink, it was delivered.  If she looked hungry she was fed without hesitation.  If she looked tired, off to bed she went, grumbling as she climbed the stairs.  Did it get to me that I was the perceived bad guy in all of this?  Yes, it did, and yes, I do feel guilty about that but what you need to remember about the whole thing was that I had an equal share in this and if it meant that I carried and fetched like a chambermaid then so be it!
 
What else could I do?  I have come to realise that this ‘role’ was indeed my part to play.  My wife was showing her love for me and our unborn child on a daily basis and there was I, whinging to myself about having to make her a drink.  For God’s sake, how petty was that?
 
Gentlemen, if you are reading this book and you have come this far in the process; here is my advice for what it is worth.  Your partner loves you with every ounce of her body, perhaps more than you can and will ever imagine or realise.  She is putting herself through what can only be described as hell in order to make your joint dreams come true.  For that you need to be there 24 hours a day for her.  If she wants Beef Pot Noodle at some un-godly hour of the day then it’s up to you to get off your backside and find some, regardless of time, distance or cost!
 
Finally, what I will say about your supporting role is this; make sure you have your own support structure in place as you will need it.  You simply won’t be able to cope on your own and now is not the time to try and push on with the brave face.  In order to be there for her you need others to be there for you; seek them out now.  They will play their part so you can play yours.